Less of an atheist rant here.
This year I’ve kinda been up and down, as far as my feelings have gone. Prior to this year, I’ve always been kind of emotionally dead, never happy, not really sad either. I’ve been described as miserable, and alot of the time this description fits.
At the start of this year I was feeling great, never been better, this was followed by a crippling, alcohol-fuelled depression, then it kind of balanced out.
Now I’m back where I started… Miserable. I’m not in a bad enough mood to say I’m depressed, or even sad, but I’m certainly not in a good mood, either. It’s just… a mild, seething rage, that never goes away.
I’ve tried changing myself this year, at first for someone else, then for myself. I’ve tried being nicer, less argumentative, and it worked, for a bit, then they treated me like a mug, then other people did, too.
I carried on with it, and nothing’s different, people still treat me like crap, only now, when I do/say the things I used to say back when people expected it of me, they’re shocked and upset.
Do I stick with my natural inclination to be stubborn, argumentative, arrogant and angry… or do I strive harder to be a nice person, at the risk of turning myself into a doormat, as well as driving myself completely nuts?
It’s a tough question, but really, can I change who I am? Would it be better to just embrace my mean streak (Which is a mile wide), instead of trying to hide it?
Can I force myself to be a happier person, when really I’ve just never been that way inclined?
Alot of questions, and no significant answers.